The Secret of Love
by Horus.Potter
Summary: Wars do scary things to people; make them realize things they didn't want to know. Dean realizes he can't hide from who he is but spending the year after the war in seclusion seems like a solution at the time. But is that really how he wants to live? DTSF


AN: I do not own HP. I've wanted to write a Dean/Seamus fic for a while so here's my attempt at such things.

**The Secret of Love**

Dean loved being a wizard, he really did. The day he had gotten his letter he had thought it was amazing. Going to Hogwarts, getting sorted, everything was going wonderfully. But he couldn't deny his Muggle-born roots, and he didn't want to. After the war, when things were settled, he thought he'd take some time off from being a wizard.

He went on Holiday with his parents. He tried to keep in touch, owling now and again but everyone was moving on – rebuilding. Dean kept in touch mostly with his best friend Seamus – but even Seamus's owls became less and less frequent until they stopped all together.

Dean felt cut off (but hadn't that been what he wanted?) isolated in his own Muggle world. He was sure this break was what he needed. Surely the frenzy of the war had caused him to feel these desperate feelings…

But as the break he was taking became his life, and as he fought his feelings he realized hiding from who he was would not change who he was. He could blame the intensity of war, the scare and anticipation of death at every turn, but in the end he knew he was lying to himself. He was a Muggle born wizard, who was hopelessly in love with his best friend. But reverting back to his Muggle roots, cutting out the part of him that was unique, and denying his nature wasn't solving anything.

It was freezing cold on the London streets, Dean Thomas puffed on his hands to warm them up as he snuck into the Leaky Cauldron.

The bar was just as he remembered, dank and crowded.

"Dean Thomas?"

Dean turned at the sound of his name.

"Neville! Hey man." Dean shook hands with his former roommate.

"Where have you been?" Neville asked.

"Took a bit of a vacation." He said vaguely. "What have you been up to?"

"A lot. Working hard to reshape the ministry and what not. I'm here with some others, care to join us?"

Dean considered just sitting in the corner and reabsorbing into the magical world slowly but he saw the kindness in Neville's face; maybe people weren't mad at him for abandoning everyone right after the war when they needed everyone to help rebuild. It had barely been a year but it seemed there was still so much to be done.

"Sure." He smiled and followed Neville to a table by the window.

Dean was stunned to see so many people – he didn't expect "some" to mean half of his class.

"Dean?" Harry smiled, standing up to give Dean a hug.

Ron, Ginny, Hermione, Luna, and a couple others he wasn't as familiar with were sitting around the table. Dean made his way through everyone, greeting and giving hugs, before settling down next to Luna.

"How are you?" Hermione asked kindly.

"I'm alright." He decided not to reveal more than that. "How are things?"

"They're going rather well." Hermione answered. "No one has heard from you in ages."

"I… I kind of disappeared for a while."

Hermione nodded understandingly and Dean wondered if she was tempted to run away after the war too… although she might've been tempted for other reasons besides realizing ones love for an unobtainable other.

The group seemed to be there as a small going away gathering for Luna. She was off to hunt Snorckbacks with her father now that the Wizarding world was almost put back in order she felt she could take the time off. Dean joined in but was reserved, not feeling as though he could just pick up where he left off over a year ago. He had abandoned the reconstruction effort because of his own personal dilemma and that made him feel awful. He felt he didn't deserve to be sitting with them now; now that they had finally gotten back on their feet and he had had no part in it.

"I've got to go." Ron said some hours later. "I've told George I'd meet him."

Harry looked at his watch, "Oh man is that the time? I should head off too, I've got work tomorrow."

"We've all got work tomorrow." Neville said with a grin.

"Except me." Luna said dreamily. "I'll be headed to the amazon."

"Lucky." Ginny smiled.

"We'll miss you Luna!" Neville said, giving her a hug.

"Oh I'll be back. And I'll send letters with my findings."

Luna took turns hugging everyone as they wished her well.

"It was nice to get to see you Dean." She smiled.

"It was nice to see you too Luna. Take care." He hugged her.

The group separated with promises to keep in touch and see each other soon (it seemed this mostly related to Dean, Luna and Ginny as everyone else seemed to work together). When everyone was gone and Dean was alone at the bar he felt awful; more alone than before. He went into Diagon Alley but it was late and most of the shops were closing up for the night.

Dean went back to his flat and stared around; this flat had been his sanctuary. A new poster of West Ham in his living room, completely electronic appliances everywhere, no signs of magic except upstairs in his trunk locked away were his school books and cauldron. He knew that he was being irrational keeping his magical world hidden from himself. Loving his best friend wasn't the magic's problem… it was his hearts problem. But a small part of him, that ever irrational part, thought that if he hadn't been magical, if he had never known that world, he mightn't have fallen in love with his best friend, and he might not be so tortured now.

Dean got out a notebook and sat at his breakfast table. He began the letter: _Dear Seamus_. He crossed that out. _Hey Seamus_. Still not good enough. _Seamus._ Okay. He stared at the blank spiral bound page. He flipped to a fresh sheet and tried again. _Seamus, I feel like there's a lot we have to talk about. Please meet me at the Leaky Cauldron at noon on Saturday. ~ Dean _

He stared at the note. He hated it. It sounded awkward and dumb but he didn't know what else to say. They had been best friends for nearly ten years, surely Seamus would come. He left the note on the table and went to his bedroom. He was a little annoyed in a moment like this that he had sold his owl. He would have to go to the wizard post office tomorrow if he still had the nerve.

Dean waited on Saturday at the Leaky Cauldron. Seamus had never sent an owl back so he wasn't sure if he was even coming. At nearly twelve thirty Dean was ready to give up when Seamus came into the pub.

Dean's breath hitched and he tried hard not to run away again.

"Hey!" Seamus exclaimed, giving Dean a warm hug. "Where've you been mate? I haven't heard from you in… months."

"I know, I've been…" Dean didn't know where to begin. He considered blurting everything out but that wasn't really his style. "The war brought up some things and I've been trying to sort them out."

"Are you okay?" Seamus asked, his voice laced with concern.

"During the battle… so many people were dying. And there were explosions, and curses. It just made me realize, with every curse that missed me, and missed the people I cared about, or hit them… it made me think about what I really wanted. When I realized it, I was afraid and I hid. I've been hiding in the Muggle world, trying to forget everything but I can't. Denying the fact that I'm a wizard won't make these feelings go away. It has nothing to do with being magical and I've been being dumb." Dean scoffed at himself.

"I don't understand. But if you needed a break you needed a break." Seamus said supportively, "No one is okay after this. And we've all been dealing with it in different ways."

"During the battle, you got hit by that knockback jinx… and" Dean joked on his words. "I thought you were dead. I thought… that was it. I was terrified. And I realized that I wasn't terrified because my best friend might be dead. I was terrified because… I'm in love with you. And I was terrified I would never be able to tell you that. And then you turned out to be okay and I was right back to being scared. And I ran away. I tried to stay in touch but it became so hard, fighting these feelings and fighting who I was that I didn't have the strength. So I chose seclusion and loneliness over the truth. But I'm here now because I can't hide it anymore. If I'm going to live without you I need you to at least know why…"

Seamus stared at Dean for a long time, not saying anything. Dean was beginning to think he should just get up and leave when Seamus spoke.

"The war startled a lot of us into thinking and realizing things we might'n't've before. Why didn't you tell me sooner?"

"I was scared. You're my best friend. I didn't want to lose that based on something I wasn't sure of. I didn't know if it was just trauma causing me to think these things, or if it was true, pure feelings. The more I stayed away though the more I realized it was all true. I do love you. I'm sorry if this is weird for you, or if… I just had to tell you. I couldn't live without telling you."

"I've missed you. This past year has been hard on all of us and I needed my best friend." The hurt in Seamus's voice was like a knife to Dean's heart.

"I'm sorry." He knew the words were so weak, but it was all he had.

"I still need my best friend." Seamus said. "Could we get back to that before we think about anything else?"

Dean latched onto this; Seamus didn't hate him. Dean had been so afraid. "I would like that."

Seamus nodded before bringing Dean in for a hug.

"Come on, let's get some food, I'm starving."

Dean smiled agreeing.

They could move on as friends. They would be alright even if nothing romantic came out of Deans confession. But Dean could allow himself to be whole again; and he would always thank Seamus for that.


End file.
